Everyone has probably seen those awkward family photo cards. You know, the amusing pictures with strange poses, odd haircuts, and unusual props. There’s even “romantic” awkward family photos for weddings taken with inadvertent backgrounds. (Who wouldn’t want lovely wedding photos with a bright blue porta potty backdrop-or a gardener bending over beyond the window, “cracks” and all?)
There’s also such a thing as awkward family gifts. These are not the inheritances you will see on Antiques Roadshow, where great-grandma passed down an old 1794 Seymour card table now worth $300,000. Or bachelor Uncle Joe left a family member his gold pocket watch, which turned out to be a Patek Philippe pocket watch worth a cool million and a half. (And no one in the family can even figure out where the penurious old guy got such an item in the first place. Not that the family cares much about that right now…)
No, awkward family gifts are those hard-to-categorize items that clutter up your garage or closets. You grudgingly keep them, because you just can’t donate (or worse, discard) some personal item of your mom, dad, or auntie. They stay around- even if you don’t like the thing, never use it, will never use it, it’s ugly, or worthless- or all of the above.
That is what an awkward family gift is.
So what is my awkward family gift? It’s a pair of portraits of my grandmother and grandfather. While I know that does NOT sound too bad or awkward at first, I must explain.
These two portraits are large paintings, done from two photos of my grandparents. They were commissioned by my mother, for her parents, as presents for their 50th wedding anniversary. In classic middle child fashion, my mother wanted to do something on a grand scale for the occasion. So she had 2 small engagement photos of her parents made into paintings for them.
The paintings are grand indeed- well beyond the normal size for most people’s living rooms or dens. They are fit to be hung in a great dining hall of the castle of the Stewart clan. Except that there is no great hall, or Stewart castle (at least here in the US)- for the two paintings to grace.
Now portraits are usually only items of family interest. They’re desired by the subjects themselves, or immediate relatives. (That is unless the subject is a president, historical figure, or royalty). Plus if the portrait is not wearing distinctive period clothing, illustrating some old family trade, or showcasing the family farm, it’s likely that successive generations of viewers of said paintings lose interest.
My own grandparents hung these gift paintings in their high-ceilinged foyer. Even from up high, they dwarfed the montage of family photos that were already there. After their passing, my eldest aunt got the paintings. She placed them in a vaulted ceiling area overlooking her living room. When she died, her children passed the two paintings on to me, since it was my late mother that had commissioned them.
Initially I tried placing them in my living room. THAT only lasted for a very short time. Their faces dominated a space that was too small for them- with eyes watching me wherever I walked. I’d loved my grandparents when they were alive, and didn’t want any “creep factor” to ruin my good memories. So I moved the paintings to a more proportional spot in my house. My awkward family gifts are now perched in the highest vaulted location I have, over the switchback staircase. I address them both quite regularly when I come and go.
These awkward family gifts have accomplished one good thing for me. I am rethinking my stuff, so as not to leave it all for my children to sort. I have begun the task of slowly going through everything. There is still my struggle over school thesis papers my mother wrote (she was so proud of them!) I’m just like my friend, for instance- she is hanging onto all her dad’s framed degrees and school certificates. She feels like she’d dishonor him by not keeping them- even though he’s long gone and they mean nothing to her or her children.
It is possible and necessary to work through such pure emotion surrounding awkward family gifts. I’m striving to practice creative ways to keep memories of someone alive, without necessarily hanging on to their every item. It’s a learning process- how to best manage my family gifts in ways to preserve memories, honor family members, AND give order for future successors.
One way I’ve found is to associate a back story with items. A fragment of metal in a small box will mean nothing when it is found by successors. It will have meaning however- if there is some explanation with it. That nondescript piece of metal may actually be a piece of shrapnel from an injury received by a great uncle during war time. Maybe some newspaper clippings about that particular battle can add context. The back story will make all the difference to future family, and better keep the memory too.
So memories can be preserved without clinging to every awkward family gift- even like my large paintings. But who knows, I may get my grand Stewart family castle someday? My grandparents’ portraits will look perfect in that great hall. In the meantime, I plan to keep them overlooking my stairs here for a long time to come. Plus I’m going to write interesting biographies about each of my grandparents, and put them with the paintings. For posterity.