A big reality of getting older is attending less and less weddings and baby showers, and many more funerals. As I age, the number of funerals I experience is inevitably increasing.
And goodbyes are hard. Long ago I had thought that my high school graduation was difficult and jolting. The reality I faced then was that all those familiar classmates with whom I’d gone to school for years, the well-known places and routines I took for granted- those were over. Some people I would likely never see again. If I returned to the old school halls, the gym, the neighborhood, it would not be the same. We all were moving on to the next phases of our lives. Whether we casually told each other, “See you around!” some of those goodbyes were still final.
But funerals are much more intense than that. Funerals force you to forever let go of people that have been sources of support and love in your life. Everyone has those significant family, friends, or acquaintances around them. They are those people with whom you’ve lived or traveled, with whom you’ve celebrated holidays, or just done mundane errands or movies together. They could be significant folk like teachers, co-workers, a neighbor, your cheerful barista or faithful mailman. In little and big ways, they are simply the familiar and consistent supports in your life. As I grow older, I want to cling to these supports. But they slip away as people die, and their funerals make me more aware of the brevity of human life.
These people in your world that provide fellowship, companionship, their different take on life, their humor, their service- it is good to realize how you value them. Hopefully not only have you recognized their importance to you, you’ve let them know it too. It is truly sad to realize people’s worth only after they are gone and you cannot tell them. It makes the empty place they’ve left in your world even more hollow. The best action is to give your people their flowers while they can smell them– not just at their funeral.
Recently a friend lost her husband from a very fast-moving cancer. One day I was seeing their fun-filled photos on Facebook of their latest tropical cruise. A scant few weeks later there were posts about his sudden death. It hit a lot of people very hard. Art was a lovely man- generous with everyone around him. He was someone that showed up with food and love wherever he went, and he made everyone feel like family.
One good thing that we all console ourselves with after Art’s sudden death is that he lived his life fully. Art did not put off celebrations or special travel vacations “until he retired.” From the mundane workday, to taking many family trips, Art always made it a point to enjoy life with everyone around him. Saying goodbye to him is made easier by knowing he expressed his love and enjoyment to everyone in his world, and many were able to express it back. Paalam, goodbye, Art. Kita tayo mamaya, catch you later. We know you’re still watching out for your sweet Julie and family.
Bittersweet struggles with my funereal goodbyes are more positively viewed by author A.A. Milne of Winnie-the-Pooh fame. He says:
“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
I have been very lucky in my life. I am learning that this is a wonderful and very hard thing.
Your article is so close to my broken heart. I have “lost” two college friends just this month. Everyone celebrate the wondrous life around you. XO, JW
It is so hard to lose those you love, no matter what your age is.