Month: June 2023

A big reality of getting older is attending less and less weddings and baby showers, and many more funerals. As I age, the number of funerals I experience is inevitably increasing. 

And goodbyes are hard.  Long ago I had thought that my high school graduation was difficult and jolting.  The reality I faced then was that all those familiar classmates with whom I’d gone to school for years, the well-known places and routines I took for granted- those were over. Some people I would likely never see again. If I returned to the old school halls, the gym, the neighborhood, it would not be the same. We all were moving on to the next phases of our lives. Whether we casually told each other, “See you around!” some of those goodbyes were still final.   

But funerals are much more intense than that. Funerals force you to forever let go of people that have been sources of support and love in your life.  Everyone has those significant family, friends, or acquaintances around them. They are those people with whom you’ve lived or traveled, with whom you’ve celebrated holidays, or just done mundane errands or movies together. They could be significant folk like teachers, co-workers, a neighbor, your cheerful barista or faithful mailman. In little and big ways, they are simply the familiar and consistent supports in your life.  As I grow older, I want to cling to these supports. But they slip away as people die, and their funerals make me more aware of the brevity of human life.

These people in your world that provide fellowship, companionship, their different take on life, their humor, their service- it is good to realize how you value them. Hopefully not only have you recognized their importance to you, you’ve let them know it too. It is truly sad to realize people’s worth only after they are gone and you cannot tell them. It makes the empty place they’ve left in your world even more hollow.  The best action is to give your people their flowers while they can smell them– not just at their funeral. 

Recently a friend lost her husband from a very fast-moving cancer.  One day I was seeing their fun-filled photos on Facebook of their latest tropical cruise. A scant few weeks later there were posts about his sudden death. It hit a lot of people very hard. Art was a lovely man- generous with everyone around him. He was someone that showed up with food and love wherever he went, and he made everyone feel like family.

One good thing that we all console ourselves with after Art’s sudden death is that he lived his life fully. Art did not put off celebrations or special travel vacations “until he retired.” From the mundane workday, to taking many family trips, Art always made it a point to enjoy life with everyone around him. Saying goodbye to him is made easier by knowing he expressed his love and enjoyment to everyone in his world, and many were able to express it back. Paalam, goodbye, Art. Kita tayo mamaya, catch you later. We know you’re still watching out for your sweet Julie and family.  

Bittersweet struggles with my funereal goodbyes are more positively viewed by author A.A. Milne of Winnie-the-Pooh fame. He says: 

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

I have been very lucky in my life. I am learning that this is a wonderful and very hard thing. 

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.” (C.S. Lewis)

Things do change, in big and small ways. Here’s a little thing. It is not too long ago that kale– that tough leafy cabbage-y plant- was only used as a garnish on your restaurant dinner plate. Kale was supposedly edible, but most people really did NOT eat it much, at least not like now. Today, kale is everywhere. It is snuck into foods where it was never seen before. That bitter leaf (now it’s called tangy!) is used in all sorts of dishes.  Kale rice bowls, kale smoothies, kale Caesar salad, baby kale with Mac and cheese.  There is even…I am not making this up… apple kale cake with apple icing (see Kate Hackworthy’s Sept 6, 2021 recipe from veggie desserts.com if you do not believe me). Despite all the buzz over trendy kale, I still don’t like the taste- no matter how much calcium, vitamin C and K1 is in the stuff.

Trendy kale reveals a bigger thing though- it is the tip of the iceberg of today’s health/fitness/gym culture. The rise of today’s fitness culture is needful, by the way- there have been some alarming changes over the years. In 2016 the CDC estimated that 40% of US adults and 19% of its young people were obese. In the US, we now eat out a lot, and portion sizes are way up (compared to many other countries). Plus Americans guzzle way too many sugary beverages. In 1950 the annual soda consumption for a person was 10.8 gallons- by 2005 it had risen to a whopping 49.3 gallons per person. (Maybe I do need that kale smoothie after all…)

Another small thing- tattoos. They are everywhere, seen on all age groups. Both men and women sport tattoos in the US- ornate, colorful, snakes and skulls, pictures of departed beloved- the bigger the better. Tattoos used to be relegated to sailors, whalers and navy folk. Their tattoos recorded travels or service- anchors, North stars, swallows, hula girls, dragons or even their ships.  My father-in-law had a fuzzy blue anchor tattoo on his upper arm- a shore leave souvenir from his WWII Navy days in North Africa.  Some professions still do not allow visible tattoos on their employees. And body art does not go over well in places like Japan, Iran, UAE, or China.

But opinions regarding tattoos are changing. Maybe it is not a bad thing to recognize tattoos as a form of artful self-expression and confidence by the tattooed. (Even science is studying tattooing to find ways to make vaccines more effective). There are physical benefits to tattoos. Wearers say getting tattoos improves immunities, reduces stress and migraines (due to raised levels of immunoglobulin A, reduced levels of cortisol, etc.). While getting one is not high on my list, tattoos are still fascinating and often beautiful. Who does not want more beauty in the world?

Technology is how society has changed the most. Take the mini-computers/cameras that are cell phones. For good or bad, they are everywhere, used by the smallest of children. In the film “A Man Called Otto” a man accidentally falls onto some train tracks as a train approaches the station. Rather than anyone in the surrounding crowd helping him, everyone takes out their cell phones to video it. Incredulous senior grouch Otto is the only observer (without a cell phone) that rescues the man. Spoiler alert, Otto may have been old-school, but he smartly utilizes social media to his advantage later in the movie, in the form of a young social influencer he meets through this train incident. But it illustrates that technology does have its good and bad facets- and how it certainly has changed our world. 

So many more changes… Streaming television shows, remote work-from-home, accessible air travel (no longer a luxury for the few), 24/7 access to information, self-driving cars, recycling (not just done by “hippies” anymore) and computers for everyone…these are the status quo.

No one remembers that people used to always shop in retail stores or malls, or actually communicated by writing each other letters (yes, “snail mail”).  There were such things as paper maps, milkmen, full-service gas stations and banks, newspaper deliveries, no EV’s but big gas-guzzling cars, phone land lines (ONE PHONE PER HOME), regular worship attendance, drive-in theaters…. The list of changes in our society could go on. 

“A people without the knowledge of their past history, origin and culture is like a tree without roots.” (Marcus Garvey)

Every age has elements, beliefs and trends that shaped it. It is not a bad idea to take an occasional look back at how things were, and how life is different today. Seniors tend to do this a lot as they get older, with emphasis on how much better their old days were-(“Back in MY day…!”). The reality is that some things were better, and some not so much.

But everyone can benefit by looking at how things have changed once in a while. Such contemplation helps with ideas of what you still want to accomplish, what was worth keeping from your past, what changes are good or bad for you. And then you can do something about them. A good start for me would be to use some of that time I’m supposedly saving with all this high-tech gadgetry. I can choose not to let more time pass, and do some meaningful communications. Maybe I can make an unhurried phone call or schedule a get-together with a loved one I haven’t reached out to for a while. If a world-wide pandemic taught us nothing else, it is to make the most of my present- with the best folk from my past. 

Sorry, kale consumption is still not on my “good change” list though.