In 1963 Bob Dylan famously sang,”The times, they are a-changing…” Today, our times are a-changing too. If you need some help to swim and not sink like the lyrical stone in Dylan’s song, here’s some practical guidance for navigating our new cultural floodwaters. These are the top 10 useful strategies to implement and use to master an evolving American culture:
If you have an outdated map on the wall with the “Gulf of Mexico” on it- immediately replace it (even framed antique maps don’t count). Don’t make the mistake that the laggards at AP News did, resulting in them being locked out of press conferences. Your new map should prominently and proudly feature the Gulf of America, now that its new name has been decreed. Plus if you happen to have an old decorative world globe amongst your current home decor as well, now’s the time to ditch that. To remain cutting edge, quickly order the new Gulf of America globe too. The especially colorful Patriotic Limited Edition globe is eye-catching and a steal for $249.99. It is also complete with the corrected title for Mt. McKinley. (Hopefully no one mentions that Alaska’s Athabaskan people’s original title for their tallest peak in North America roughly translated as “The Great One”- it could trigger ideas for a Mt. Rushmore-like makeover).
Ditch the old family heirloom Bible that graces your den. Replace it with another Bible– you know the one, that leather-bound large print King James edition- with the US Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence, and the Pledge of Allegiance in it. Some of these Bibles come in formats that can additionally provide some extra visual punch, so any visiting guest will be sure to spot it in your house. For just a few extra bucks, get one of the colorful special editions- you can choose between The Golden Age, Platinum, Pink & Gold, or the Camo edition. Those special editions really make an obvious cultural statement- not merely a boring statement of faith.
Cultivate a taste for poutine- that dish of French fries and cheese curds topped with brown gravy that’s so popular with our neighbors to the north. In case they become the newest US state, you’ll be able to immediately “foodie focus” on the best poutine spots. Learning a smattering of French for the Quebecois residents won’t hurt either- especially if you like to RV throughout the US during your summer vacay. It’s always broadening to visit America’s many different environments, habitats and ecosystems (especially with a visit to a newly acquired annexation). Who needs to go overseas?
There’s more literal taste changes to make- Diet Coke should now be your favorite drink of choice- all the best people drink Diet Coke now. Obviously cultivate this bubbly power drink of today- there’s additional Coke merchandise like tumblers or can coolers that can emphasize your loyalty for the drink. (Though you won’t go so far as to install a button at your desk to have it brought to you…will you?)
Purge your music library. Get rid of any collections by Taylor Swift, Bad Bunny, Neil Young, Rihanna, Jon Baptiste- any musicians that are too woke, are associated with the old Kennedy Center, supported Kamala, or who issued cease and desist orders over their songs’ use at rallies. Don’t despair over depleting your music library though, you’d be surprised at someone’s key tracks that are played for Mar-A-Lago guests. These chosen songs include classics like Elvis Presley (“Suspicious Minds”), Frank Sinatra (“My Way”), Johnny Cash (“Ring of Fire”), and songs from Andrew Lloyd Weber’s “The Phantom of the Opera” and “Jesus Christ Superstar.” Metallica (“Enter Sandman”), R.E.M. (“Losing My Religion”), and Guns N’ Roses (“November Rain”) have the imprimatur too. Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares 2 U” makes the cut as well, though you can probably also hear her rolling over in her grave when her music is playing. Any of Lee Greenwood’s CDs or vinyl (e.g. his “God Bless the USA” that features at every rally) should be prominent amongst your musical collection.
Speaking of libraries, your literary tastes have got to adjust. Investigative journalists such as Bob Woodward and David Cay Johnston are OUT (i.e. quickly donate those books “Fear: Trump in the White House” or “It’s Even Worse than You Think: What the Trump Administration is Doing to America” to the thrift store). Ditto for any books by Liz Cheney, or ex-lawyer Michael Cohen. Works by former national security adviser John Bolton, former FBI director James Comey, along with family tell-alls like Mary Trump’s “Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man” should definitely be taken off your bookshelves. But authors Jerome R. Corsi (“Killing the Deep State: The Fight to Save President Trump”), Andrew Puzder (“The Capitalist Comeback: The Trump Boom and the Left’s Plot to Stop it”) and David Brody/Scott Lamb’s “The Faith of Donald J. Trump” should be prominently displayed, near your Bible if possible. Or at the very least they should be on the shelf next to “Ship of Fools” by Tucker Carlson.
Your children’s books should be culled as well. Put those Seuss books back on your kids’ bookshelves- Dr. Seuss books are not considered bad anymore. There’s no insensitive racist imagery to see here!- even though six Dr. Seuss books are no longer published anymore according to the business that preserves Seuss’s legacy. But history-based kids’ books with topics about slavery, refugee camps, or school segregation of black or Mexican children are off limits- everyone knows some subjects are never appropriate for the grade levels for which they were supposedly designed. And kids’ books with references to atheism or the occult, or subjects like gay parents, or Islamic themes are definitely anathema for any age. Bathroom humor and gross topics in children’s books are definitely out now-(bye-bye toany book in the Captain Underpants series for sure, Kid’s Awards not-withstanding!)
As a sure sign of fealty, you may quickly want to trade in your old car and make sure your next new car will be a Tesla. Get a regular Tesla car- or maybe one of those ugly, er… innovative-looking Tesla Cybertrucks. Never mind those rust spots popping up on your new truck’s stainless steel surface, or those pesky problems with the self-driving system… Such problems are over-exaggerated- everyone knows that Elon Musk is a genius, and so are his electric vehicles. Plus, to customize your car, there are certain bumper stickers that are considered de rigueur for accessorizing. MAGA bumper stickers in red, white, and blue of course are always a fine choice, or perhaps any variation of “Make America Great Again” or “God ,Guns and Trump.” (And “Trump Punisher Skull” decals are a must for any worthwhile pickup). Finally, for extra emphasis against incorrect ideologies, use the patriotic “This Is My Pride Flag” bumper sticker of the US flag- no rainbows in sight.
Change your TV viewing habits immediately (your smart TV can track your shows- and who knows who knows?) FOX News, NewsMax, and OAN are now your sole sources of news. Mainstream media news shows on NBC, ABC, and CBS are questionable, while CNN is dead to you. And there will be absolutely no more watching comedy shows like “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert,” or “Saturday Night Live.” If you need laughs, stick to safe laughs (as in “American’s Funniest Home Videos”). Dutton family drama show “Yellowstone” should be at the top of your viewing list. “Shark Tank” is another perfect choice (especially for all you entrepreneurial dreamers), along with insightful reality TV “Dirty Jobs” or fave police drama “Blue Bloods.” Popular realty shows like “Survivor” or “Deal Or NO Deal” are acceptable, “Deal Or No Deal Island” is a newer twist to the genre. “Jeopardy” gameshow is out however- too much lately with those woke pronoun/neopronoun answers. Finally, when all else fails, you can never go wrong with tried-and-true favorites like reruns of “Duck Dynasty,” “Walker Texas Ranger,” “COPS,” “J.A.G.,” and “24.”
Your home decor needs to be updated too. American flags used in any decorative way are a big thumbs up- it goes without saying that there should be a flag out front of your home too. But US flag-heavy decor sometimes leads to farmhouse or Lone Star Western looks, which may not be your home design style. Don’t despair if down-home decor simply doesn’t express that dream essence for your home. Gold curtains, gilt frames, and Rococo accessories- just like the new WH updates– might nicely reflect your new inner ruler vibe. Prominent groupings of gold-framed family photos are a nice touch, and don’t forget portraits of President Andrew Jackson or George Washington. Similar to the recent White House refresh, you can never go wrong with cream colored carpeting or Frederic Remington sculptures anywhere in your own updated home decor.
So that wraps up a brief overview of key steps that you can take to successfully assimilate into this latest evolution of American culture. These 10 simple steps will be central to your smooth transition to today’s latest social norms and customs.
Because “the times, they are a-changing…”
